Tuesday, February 14, 2017

wip: A Lonely Shawl

wip: Lonely Tree Shawl
I started writing this blog post a few weeks ago, but things took a sad turn in my life soon after, and now the subject of this post has come to mean something else to me.

Back in January, I hosted a pop-up shop for Megan Samms, a textile artist out of Atlin, BC who weaves fabric and dyes yarn from Custom Woolen Mills (a wee mill in Alberta, Canada) using natural dyes.  Her stuff is just lovely, and I have all the yarn I need to knit this gorgeous colourwork sweater.  (Keep an eye out for more on this project - I'm desperate to start it.)

Custom Woolen Mills 1 Ply
I also bought a skein of her handdyed 1 ply yarn in this greenish-grey shade dyed from the South American Quebracho tree.  See, I've been itching to add a triangle shawl to my wardrobe, and while black would've been far more practical, I couldn't put this pretty yarn down.

I balled the yarn up (by hand because this yarn breaks like a mofo if you put too much pressure on it, hense vetoing my ball winder set up), and found the pattern I wanted.  But, I've been under a lot of stress lately, between the store, our busy schedules and no time to spend with the boyfriend, financial concerns, and some health issues that are rearing their heads of late.  A tiny spat that got blown out of proportion showed that the boyfriend and I were obviously bottling crap up and lead to a talk that evening.  I wanted us to work on drifting back together after so much time drifting apart.  He didn't want to try.

Custom Woolen Mills 1 Ply
So uh, I went into the talk expecting to making plans to work on our relationship, and basically left it homeless and alone.  More alone, I guess.  I was already near the breaking point, and this ratcheted my stress levels well beyond it.

But I've learned that I have an amazingly supportive group of friends here in the Yukon, and I'm so thankful for that.  I'm not good at reaching out for help when I need it, but they've all rallied and are giving me the support I so desperately need right now.  I don't have a home, but I'm not without places to stay.  I'm overwhelmed with the store, but they're covering shifts for me so I can pack up my stuff.  I'm so hurt and lonely, but they're pulling me out of my head and giving me strength.

wip: Lonely Treens Shawl
This is more personal than I ever wanted to get on this blog, but I need another outlet, a place where I can reach out without having to ask, a place where I can write down the good things, but still look at the hard bits without downplaying it to the friends who worry about me.  I'm going to be fine.  I'm a strong and independent woman and I've survived much worse.  This one just pulled the rug out from under me unexpectedly and it's going to take me more time to get my feet under me again, I think.

All of this leads back to my triangle shawl.  I started it a week and a half ago because I needed a more complicated project to keep my brain distracted and my hands busy, but nothing too complicated that I couldn't figure it out with the on-average 4 hours sleep/night I'd been getting.  And this shawl was the perfect project.

wip: Lonely Tree Shawl
It only recently occurred to me that the pattern name, the Lonely Tree Shawl, was probably somewhat apt.  It's become my coping project - the thing I pick up when I need to not think about stuff anymore.  Sad name and what it represents aside, it also doesn't escape my notice that, once finished, I'm going to have this lovely item that will literally hug me when I wear it.

And while the shawl will probably always represent a sad point in my life, I very much appreciate the symbolism here.

10 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this with us. You're brave to open this window into your life, knowing that we're going to peer in and comment on the furniture. But I hope that we motley crew of internet friends and strangers can prove to you that it was worth it, when instead we climb inside, give you a big ol' hug, and make a pot of tea to share. I'm sorry that amidst all of the stresses of life, when you were willing to struggle through the tough stuff to work things out, your boyfriend wasn't—that the one person who was always supposed to be on your team gave up on teamwork. I'm sorry that someone you cherished no longer felt the same way in return, because you remain an amazingly generous, insanely hardworking, and genuinely funny lady. I'm very glad to hear that you have a support network of friends and coworkers to lift you up, and I know that your online network will provide you with long-distance encouragement, too. Most of all, I'm glad that you have knitting to keep you warm and see you through to the other side of this winter, because you ARE going to make it, just like you said. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Heather :( I wondered if something had happened after a few posts on FB. I'm so sorry I didn't clue in earlier to offer help and support! You are such a wonderful and worthy person! Your work at the store I know is amazing, and I'm so glad you have good friends there in person too. You have the strength to see this through and come out even better on the other side.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh Heather, I am so sorry. It never rains but it pours. And as we know, in Nature, rain undermines things we thought were solid. :( I wanna give you a hug and do a shift and make you laugh a little and bring you cheese scones and coffee, and I am glad that you have people on the spot to do stuff. Be strong xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh Heather! I'm sorry you've been alone for so long and now you need to find a new place to live as well. I'm sorry I cannot be one of the people who can physically help rather than be just a paragraph online.
    Hopefully you can soon remove the 'lonely' from the name of the shawl and call it something else (The Springtime Tree shawl -on my monitor the yarn is a new-leaf green) that will tell you things are now all right.
    Please take care.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you've had to go through this! I'm so glad you have such a wonderful network in the Yukon. You are a wonderful, intelligent, creative person and you will come through this. Keeping my fingers crossed that you figure out new permanent housing soon, and sending all the love and mojo and hugs I can muster <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that! I'm sending you healing vibes across the internet halfways across the globe. I hope everything falls back into place with your life as quickly as may be!
    Deanna (Arianamaniacs)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am sorry for all that has happened to you over the past while. I will be thinking of you and hoping everything falls into place from now on. The shawl will be beautiful reminder of the strong woman you are and always will be. Every time it hugs you remember that.

    God bless.

    ReplyDelete
  8. So sorry to hear that hun, I'm sending you virtual hugs 🤗 Glad to hear you have a good support system and it really is a beautiful shawl :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh, Heather, I'm so sorry! But also glad you have good friends around you to help you through this. The shawl is gorgeous---hang in there. I wish there was something I could do. :( 🤗

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh Heather I'm so sorry. That is such a very, very hard change. I hope you find your way through ok. Sending virtual hugs.

    ReplyDelete